


Gumtrees and Gaster Blasters

by wannabuyahotcat



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fellswap, Alternate Universe - Swapfell, Alternate Universe - Underfell, Alternate Universe - Underswap, F/M, Reverse Harem, Tags TBA, Tropes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-04-23 07:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19146148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannabuyahotcat/pseuds/wannabuyahotcat
Summary: You find a room going for cheap in the mountains. It sounds too good to be true, but there's a catch. 10 of them, that you're told about, at least. How will you go, living with a bunch of eccentric skeletons.A reverse harem reader insert story, that will feature a variety of tropes. And Skeletons.





	1. Welcome!

As you stood in front of the large, wooden door, you looked over the Gumtree ad on your phone one more time.

_room 4 rent_

_bedroom w/ ensuite_  
_room 4 king bed+furniture_  
_rent includes water+power+internet_  
_200/week_

_call snas 4 more info_

You had called this 'Snas', only to have him laugh right in your ear when he realised he'd spelled his own name wrong in the ad. That aside, he seemed like a pleasant bloke. It was a house closer to the mountains, a big one, with at least 9 other guys, not including himself. He assured you that you would be quite safe, and if you didn't like it there he wouldn't hold it against you. Heh, you were a little desperate for somewhere stable to live, and the price was pretty damn tempting.

Just looking up at the giant, multi-leveled house with such gorgeous gardens, it pretty much cemented your decision. These guys would have to be pretty damn scummy to change your mind.

Knocking 'shave and a haircut', you patiently waited.

A scuffle sounded from deep inside the house, shouting travelling up to where you were stood outside. It steadily got closer, the shill voices finally distinguishable.

"OUT OF MY WAY, PLEBS! I WILL BE THE ONE TO ASSESS THIS NEW HUMAN!"

"BUT YOU GREETED THE LAST ONE AND THEY RAN AWAY SCREAMING! I, THE MAGNIFICENT BLUE, WILL NOT SCARE THEM."

"YOU ARE BOTH WRONG. I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL BE THE BEST DOOR GREETER. STAND ASIDE!"

"DON'T YOU STICK YOUR WEIRD HANDS IN MY FACE, YOU GANGLY MAN-CHILD!"

"EDGE, THAT WAS REALLY MEAN!"

"SO WHAT!?"

You couldn't help but chuckle, pressing your hands against the door.

"How about you all come greet me."

Silence.

"THAT IS A GREAT IDEA-OOF! BLUE, DON'T GET UNDER MY FEET!"

"S-SORRY PAPYRUS!"

"IT IS QUITE ALRIGHT, BLUE. NOW, SHOULD WE COUNT TO THREE AND THEN ALL OPEN THE DOOR AT THE SA-"

"JUST OPEN THE GOD DAMNED DOOR ALREADY. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!"

Well, someone didn't get enough sugar on their Wheatbix this morning. You did, probably the reason why you were in as good of a mood as you were.

When the door opened, you could only stare.

There on the threshold stood three flashily dressed Skeleton monsters.

Oh, that was probably why the rent was so cheap. People around this town tended to give the monsters who came out of the mountains a wide berth. It had been years since they came above ground, but people were still being arseholes about it.

"GREETINGS HUMAN! ALLOW US TO WELCOME YOU TO SCENIC OUR HOUSE!" A tall one dressed in orange and yellow boomed. A shorter, more portly one dressed in blues and greys stepped forward, taking your hands into his own gloved ones.

"ARE YOU THE HUMAN WHO IS GOING TO BE MOVING IN WITH US?"

You nodded, keeping your eye on the tallest one. He seemed much more pointy and sinister than the other two, who seemed sweet.

"NYEH! SUCH A PATHETIC, WEAK LOOKING HUMAN. I DOUBT SHE WILL BE ABLE TO HELP OUT MUCH AROUND THE PLACE."

Wow, spikey and with a stick up his arse. You decided to be wary of that one.

"Uh, hey guys. Is Sans home? I told him I would be coming over to take a look at the room an-Woah!" Before you could even finish your sentence, you were tugged inside by the nicer pair.

"WE WILL SHOW YOU AROUND THE HOUSE, SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION. HOWEVER, HAVING ALREADY MET ME, IT WILL BE AN EASY DECISION."

You looked up at the tall sweetheart, getting a vibe of misread social cues being a thing. Still, you let him and the shorter Skeleton show you around the house to kill time. Sans apparently wasn't home, even though you both agreed on the same time.. Eh.

You were about halfway through your impromptu tour when the taller one gasped.

"OH GOODNESS! WE HAVEN'T EVEN INTRODUCED OURSELVES! HOW COULD I HAVE MADE SUCH AN UNFORGIVABLE OVERSIGHT?"

You couldn't not giggle at their over the top reactions. "Hey, it's fine. We were all caught up in the moment." You introduced yourself, asking them what their names where, even though they already gave them away before they even opened the door.

The taller went to open his mouth, but was beaten to it by the smaller. "I AM THE MAGNIFICENT BLUE! IT IS A PLEASURE TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE."

You gave him a little wave as your smile grew. The other made a quick recovery, posing dramatically with his hand pressed to his chest.

"HRMPH.. AND I AM THE GREAT PAPYRUS!"

"So, Papyrus and Blue. May I ask what the other guy's name was?"

They both looked at each other, before Papyrus answered. "HIS NAME IS EDGE."

"THE 'TERRIBLE AND POWERFUL' EDGE, YOU FORGOT THAT BIT." Blue said in a mocking, sing song voice. Well, seemed you weren't the only one pointy had rubbed the wrong way.

"I take it that he's not a people person?" You asked with a sly grin. Papyrus looked like he was thinking.

"HE'S NOT AN ANYTHING PERSON.. MONSTER.. HE'S NOT VERY NICE."

"NOT EVEN TO HIS OWN BROTHER." Blue added, looking up his nose. "HE'S JUST A BIG MEANY BONES."

Your hand shot up to your face to stifle the snort that came out. God, this guy was too freaking cute. "Holy shit."

They both looked at you with raised browbones when you swore. Papyrus said something about a swear jar, and it just made you want to laugh harder. You were struggling enough as it was without picturing potty-mouthed skeletons running amok.

The three of you made your way around the various rooms, stopping in front of one at the very middle of the hall.

"THIS WILL BE YOUR ROOM, HUMAN. IT WAS EMPTY, SO BLUE AND I HAVE PUT UP SOME POSTERS AND SET UP SOME OF OUR BATTLE FIGURINES TO MAKE IT LOOK AND FEEL MORE COZY." Papyrus opened the door with a flourish, stepping forward at the same time as Blue, creating a bony blockage in the doorway. Once they had worked out loudly who would go in first, you followed close behind.

Holy shit, the room is fucking huge!

"SWEAR JAR!" Blue chirped, and you realised you had said that out loud. Whoops.

"Sorry, It's just so much bigger than I thought it was going to be.. Heh, I like the posters." Around the four walls were various posters, mostly of Mettaton the superstar Robot. There was another robot looking monster in the other posters, but for the life of you, you couldn't seem to place them. "Who is that in that picture there?"

Blue stepped forward, looking like you had just told him his pet had died. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHO NAPSTATON IS? HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK?"

Papyrus bent down and stage whispered something into the shorter skeleton's earhole. As soon as he did that, Blue looked apologetic.

"I'M SORRY, I FORGOT THAT THIS UNIVERSE ONLY HAS METTATON. FORGIVE MY OUTBURST. I KEEP FORGETTING."

You accepted his apology, asking again who he was. Blue explained how he was the Mattaton of his own universe. You were smiling a nodding along, when something odd struck you.

"Wait.. What do you mean 'your universe'?"

"I- OH.. OH NO! WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE UNIVERSES!" Blue panicked, grabbing the sides of his skull. "AND I WENT AND TOLD A HUMAN, OF ALL THINGS! OH STARS!"

He was starting to hyperventilate. Without any lungs, you weren't sure how, but you had to try and calm him down. Papyrus was already bent down to his level, speaking softly to him.

You kneeled down so that you were sitting lower than he was. "Hey, Blue, it's okay. I'm not going to ask any questions, and I wont pry. You don't have to worry. I'm not going to tell anyone, okay? You have my word."

He looked down at you through tear filled eye eyesockets, seemingly starting to calm down. A giant sob wracked his body, as well as a hiccup. You were trying desperately to not giggle.

"TH-THANK YOU. I P-P-PROMISED MY BROTHER AND SANS AND RED AND RUSS AND MUTT THAT WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING.. I'VE LET THEM ALL DOWN.."

Papyrus stood back up to his full height, but you stayed down on your haunches.

"BLUE, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. SANS AND THE OTHERS JUST WANT TO LIMIT THOSE WHO KNOW. NOT FLAT OUT NOT TELL ANYONE. I'M SURE YOU'RE FINE."

"I GUESS SO." Blue sighed. "I'M SUCH A BLABBERMOUTH SOMETIMES.."

"who's a blabbermo-ooh, heeey kitten."

You all looked over to the door, and there stood another short skeleton. He was dressed up in similar colours to Edge, but looked more like Blue, bar for his red eyelights and sharp looking teeth. The gold tooth sitting in his maw only made him look even more sleazy than at first glance.

"Excuse me?" You started, but gasped when he went from the door to right in your face in a blink.

"who's ya friend, boys? dun think i've seen such a pretty face 'round here before." He licked across his teeth with a long, translucent red tongue, waggling his brow bones as you just gawked. No way this guy was for real, and it made you snort with laughter. He didn't seem to take that well at all.

"wha' th' fuck is yer issue, bitch?"

Bitch? No. Nope. As nice as Blue and Papyrus were, there was no way you were going to be in the same house as this cretin.. Oh, but the room was so nice, and so cheep.

Ugh. You'd have to talk to Sans about him if you were to stay.

"RED! DON'T BE SO CRUDE!" Papyrus spoke up, before introducing you.

Blue seemed to stand a little taller, adding in. "SHE IS GOING TO BE LIVING WITH US."

His eyelights shrunk a little as he eyed you, still stuck in a crouch in front of Blue from calming him down.

"well well well.. sans didn't mention ya'd be such a nice li'l thing t' look at. heh.. heh.."

"Speaking of Sans." You said, standing back up to your full height, watching the monster before you's expression change once you were looking down on him. "Where is he. We organised this time to meet, and he's not even here."

"OH! SANS IS OUT GETTING LUNCH FOR EVERYONE!" Papyrus said loudly. "BUT HE SHOULD BE BACK VERY SOON."

"until then, i can be sans fer ya, babydoll." Red smirked, albeit looking at you a little differently since you were standing over him.

Blue sighed, gripping his nasal bone in his gloved fingers. "CAN YOU NOT BE A PERVERT FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?"

"where's th' fun in tha?"

"So, if I decide to live here, is this the level of sleaze I should expect from you, Red?" You asked, your hands on your hips as you looked at him with a single raised brow. He scoffed, folding his arms defensively across his chest and sneering.

"ya got a problem with me, sweetheart?" The way he enunciated the pet name oozed disdain for having his shitty attitude called out. "an 'ere i was bein' a gentleman."

Papyrus put a hand up, like he was about to ask a question. "TO BE FAIR, HE IS USUALLY MUCH MORE GROSS THAN THIS WHEN TALKING TO WOMEN."

Red sent the tall skeleton a glare before locking eyes with you again.

"if yer gonna be livin' under my roof, sugartits, ya gonna have t' get used t' me. heh. have fun, boys. i'm off t' grillby's."

With that said, he threw up an arm and vanished. You would have expected there to be a smoke cloud, but nothing. Boy, that wasn't unsettling at all.

You felt something tug at your shirt, looking down to find Blue staring hard at where Red had been just seconds before. "I APOLOGISE FOR RED'S DISGUSTING BEHAVIOR. P-PLEASE DON'T LEAVE BECAUSE OF HIM! I CAN KEEP YOU SAFE FROM HIS, UGH, ADVANCES."

You had to smile at how offended Blue sounded at the other skeleton. Hmm, maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if you had someone like Blue around to keep you safe from pervy sharktooth.

"After meeting you two, it's gonna take more than that to get me to leave. So, you were saying something before about the concert you recently both went to?"

That got them both talking again, excitedly and with much gesticulation while you made your way back downstairs to the lounge. You were admittedly only half listening as they dissolved into a lighthearted argument about who had better arms out of Mettaton and Napstaton. The lounge was quite spacious, filled with a mish mash of different furniture. Various couches and sofa chairs littered the room, all circled around a giant TV and entertainment area. You were standing at the very front, about to sit down on the nearest couch, when you heard a wheezy laugh from under you.

"heh, if you wanna sit on my lap babe, least let me take you out t' dinner first."

The sound that came out of you was unholy, spinning to face the lanky skeleton in an orange hoodie sat back on the sofa you were about to sit on. He winced. "wow, gonna wake the dead if you're gonna be that loud. didn't mean to make you jump outta your skin."

"BROTHER!" Blue ran over with his hands on his hips, while you stood with your hand over your heavily beating heart. "DON'T SCARE OUR NEW HOUSEMATE!"

The lazy looking skeleton, Blue's brother, looked up at you with a crooked smile. "new housemate, huh? she met red yet?"

"I have, actually." You said, still a little winded. "He seems.. Overly friendly."

Blue shuddered, making his brother chuckle again. Smoker's laugh for sure. "heh, an' you still wanna move in here? brave girl. oh, name's stretch." He lifted a hand towards you, and you shook it.

***PFFFFFFRRRRTTTTTT***

"... BROTHER!! THAT WAS DISGUSTING AND UNCALLED FO-"

You cracked up, your hand still in his as the whoopie cushion finished deflating with a pathetic hiss. "Oh my god! That was fucking hilarious!"

"SWEAR JAR!" Papyrus called from the other room. It was enough to get you laughing again. Slowly you let go of Stretch's hand, watching through tear soaked lashes as he slipped it back into the pocket of his hoodie.

"glad to finally meet someone who appreciates the classics." He drawled, looking at you as Blue burned holes into his skull with his unimpressed glare. "bro, can you stop givin' me the temporal third degree?"

"WHY ARE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE?" Blue finally sighed, smiling as he turned to look at you. "SANS SHOULD BE BACK WITHIN THE HOUR. WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH SOME NAPSTATON WITH ME?"

"Oh, uh, sure." The look Stretch was giving you was a little disconcerting, but it was gone quickly, replaced with a lazy smile.

"whelp, if you guys are gonna do that, i'm gonna go out for a smoke. you smoke?"

"Only if I don't use enough lube- Uhh.." You joked, instantly regretting your bad sense of humor, and even crappier sense of timing. Blue looked confused for a moment, but then he looked mortified. Stretch straight up cackled, his laughter interspersed with hacking coughs.

"h-holy shit! that was fuckin' funny!" He eventually huffed. Another ring of "SWEAR JAR!" echoed through the room.

"Sorry, I forgot where I was." You mumbled, looking down at Blue and his blushed face. "Sorry Blue."

Stretch stood up, placing a hand on your shoulder. He was taller than Papyrus, but not quite as tall as Edge. It must have been the high heeled boots. "don't be, darlin', i needed that laugh. been so bored lately. nah, i think you'll fit in just fine here."

With that, he disappeared in the same manner that Red did before. You glanced at Blue, who was looking a little less flustered by now.

"TELEPORTING. SOME OF THE HOUSEHOLD CAN DO IT."

"Oh, that makes sense, I guess." You shrugged. At least it wasn't you seeing things. A faint smell of weed filled your nostrils as you sat down where Stretch had been. Blue seemed to not notice as he flopped down to his knees in front of the entertainment unit to shuffle through the various DVDs kept there. It did look pretty chockas, various glittery and holographic covers glinted as he moved them around looking for the one he wanted.

"AHA! HERE IT IS. THIS IS ONE OF MY BIG FAVOURITES!"

He got back up and hopped over, shoving the DVD case right into your face in his fervor to show you. You jolted back and gently took it from him. So, this was Napstaton, huh? He looked like a blue, DJ version of Mettaton. Your interest was certainly piqued.

Half an hour later, you were the only one watching, and quite uncomfortably. Blue had at some point dozed off, and was now laid out across your lap, snorting in his sleep. You didn't want to wake him, his eyelids fluttering as he maybe dreamed? God, he was like a puppy, and you didn't have the heart.

Maybe you should? He'd probably be embarrassed that he'd conked out across your legs.

You were sat weighing your options, when a hand came to rest on your shoulder, and thankfully you didn't jump.

"kiddo passed out while watchin' ntt? heh, must feel pretty safe around ya."

You craned your neck to look over the back of the couch at the newest skeleton. He wore a lazy, lidded smile, his hand still pressed against your shoulder as he studied your face.

"Sans?"

He smirked, finally pulling the hand back to lean on the back of the couch on his folded arms. "yep. sorry i wasn't home. had to go get food and then i remembered you were coming over, so i messaged my bro to tell you. he did tell you, right?"

You sent him a sheepish smile. "Uh, which one is your brother?"

He seemed a little confused, before snorting, rolling the lights in his eyesockets at himself. "heh, papyrus. tall, loud."

"Oh! Yeah, Papyrus said you'd gone to get lunch."

He nodded, glad that it was cleared up. "so, you've met blue n' paps. who else have you met?"

"Uh.. Edge, Red and Stretch?"

He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth. "ah, so ya met the fell brothers, an' yer still here? I'm actually kinda surprised."

You had to laugh, jolting poor Blue a little in his sleep. He didn't wake, only rolled onto his side so that he was faced right into your crotch. "Uhhhh.."

"he's harmless." Sans muttered, his smile dropping for a millisecond before he looked back at you. "i'm gonna assume that edge tried to be all tsundere and red tried to hit on ya?"

"You'd be bloody spot on, Sans." You said, watching him pull a face. "Is Red usually that much of a sleazebag, or am I just something special."

You gave him a wink, but all it seemed to do was make him blush.

"h-heh, nah, he's just a pig. brilliant scientist, but an absolute jerkwad.. did ya see the room?"

You slowly turned where you sat, making sure not to disturb Blue. "Yeah, it's amazing! I gotta ask, why such a low rent?"

He eyed you skeptically, making you falter a little. Quick to break the sudden tension with a smile, he shrugged.

"well, not many humans wanna lodge with a bunch'a monsters. even less wanna lodge with the sorry bunch here. ya already seen the fell bro's. they might be the most grating of us, but, uh, they're not the most.. ehem.. perverted."

Your eyebrows shot up as he stumbled over an explanation.

"oh, ya got nothin' to worry 'bout, just some'a the other housemates are kinda unconventional.. geez, i'm not doin' a good job of sellin' this, am i?"

You snorted. "No, you're really not.. I'm actually really liking this place though, and most of the company." You ran your hand across Blue's skull, listening to him snuff in his sleep. "Blue and Papyrus have really won me over, and Stretch seems like a cool guy. You seem alright as well, Snas." You looked up with the cheekiest grin you could muster.

"aw man, i'm not gonna live that down, am i?" He let his forehead fall, his shoulders shaking as he laughed. It was enough to finally rouse Blue from sleep, his face burning bright cyan when he realised the position he was in.

"OH.. OH! D-DID I FALL ASLEEP? I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE IN YOUR PERSONAL BUBBLE!" He stammered, sitting bolt upright now as you and Sans exchanged a look.

"Don't worry about it, Blue. You looked so peaceful, I didn't wanna wake you."

He seemed to relax a little. "O-OH.. RIGHT.. TH-THANK YOU."

"hey, blue, ya reckon she would be a good pick for livin' here?" Sans asked. Blue shot up stiff again, but this time with a huge smile on his face.

"YES! SHE ALREADY LIKES HER ROOM, AND SHE'S BEEN SO NICE TO PAPY AND I."

You couldn't help but smile too, it was completely infectious. "Aw, Blue."

Sans cleared his throat. Somehow. "well, guess all there is to do now is sign the paperwork, and we can start gettin' ya moved in, ey?"

You looked between the two skeletons, grinning like an idiot.

"Sounds like a plan."


	2. Getting settled

So there you were, standing next to your car, the backseat and boot filled with your belongings as you gazed up at your new home. You'd signed the paperwork for Sans, already having paid your first month in advance. He was giving you a week or so free to move in all your shit, and to meet up with the rest of your housemates. You were maybe a little apprehensive about them.. But they couldn't be worse than Red and Edge, could they?

"got'a light?"

You jumped a little, looking up, expecting to see Stretch again, but instead you were met with gold fangs. The tall skeleton raising a cracked up brow at your stare. "y' right there, lady?"

"Oh, shit, yeah, sorry. I was expecting Stretch." You chuckled, opening your car door and grabbing a lighter for him. He smiled, picking it from your fingers to light.. A dog treat?

"nyeh heh, thanks darl'. yeah, people ten' t' get us all mixed up. i'm th’ handsome one~" Aaand he winked at you, a rush of heat hitting your cheeks, which his eyelights seemed to go straight to.

"I'm not going to pick favourites, you're both handsome." You smiled up at him, giving awkward fingerguns as he chuckled. His voice was raspier, come to think of it. Still eerily similar.

"aw, shucks love, i'll take that." He snorted, grinning, those dangerous looking canines gleaming in the light. He took a long drag of the treat, exhaling oddly not-dogtreat-smelling smoke. "name's mutt."

You looked up, a little taken aback by the name.. Nickname? You politely introduced yourself. "It's nice to meet you, Mutt."

"movin' day, huh? y' wan'a hand with all that?" He lazily gestured back to your packed car, and you sheepishly nodded.

"Yeah, that would be really great of yo-"

"i'll go see if anyone wan's t'." Mutt took another long drag of the treat, before dropping it and butting it out with his heel, wandering back towards the house only to blip out halfway.

... Ookaaaay.

Oh well. You shrugged it off, opening the back door, starting to pick up a box, when someone screamed right behind you in a shrill, loud voice. "HUMAN!"

***Thud***

"Ow! Fuckity shit balls!" You rubbed your poor noggin, your vision going a little blurry for a second. Your first immediate thought was 'Swear jar', the second to turn around and see who had just yelled. Oh, another skeleton. He was shorter than any of the ones you had met so far, one of his sockets scarred, his eyelights faded red stars. His teeth sharp, like Red's, but all present.

"YOU WILL GO PUT AT LEAST THREE DOLLARS IN THE JAR FOR THAT ONE. MOVE!" He hip-checked you out of the way, which actually stung with those sharp little hips of his, and he grabbed the box, carrying it inside with his 'nose' haughtily stuck up in the air. He was your help, apparently?

"Uh, thank you?"

He was already heading in the front door. Attitude aside, at least he was helping you? You were confused, the bang to your poor skull only exacerbating that.

With a sigh and a soft groan, you gathered up another box into your arms, following along after him. Geez, you don't remember this box being so freaking heavy.

The foyer was empty, the sound of TV coming from the lounge, and some chatter from the kitchen across from it. You decided to go say hello, putting the box down before peeking in. Another pair of skeletons were stood in there, one making what smelled like grilled cheese as the other leaned against the center island. He was the first to notice you, even though he seemed to only have one eye. The other covered with a patch. He smirked, waving lazily. The shorter followed his gaze, turning almost in a complete circle before his mismatched purple and white eyelights fell on you. He grinned, stepping away from the food for a moment, walking right over to you.

"HELLO THERE, HUMAN. YOU'RE THE ONE MOVING IN, IS THAT RIGHT?"

"Heh, yep. Just bringing my stuff in now.. Uh, I don't know the name of the guy who's helping me." You admitted sheepishly, the taller patched skeleton chuckling.

"going by the angery footsteps, that would be razz. he's an asshole, but it's kind of endearing. nyeh heh. russ. this is my brother-"

"GREY, A PLEASURE TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE." Aaaaand he just kissed the back of your hand, like a freaking smooth operator. You felt your face heat again, Russ chuckling a little louder.

You stammered your own name, internally wincing at that. "I-It's nice to meet you both."

"YOU HAD TO TRAVEL FROM THE CITY, YES? THAT WOULD BE A BIT OF A LONG TRIP. ARE YOU HUNGRY?"

Your stomach chose such a perfect moment to make a horrific sounding gurgle, the expressions of the two monster's ones of uncertainty. "Eh heh heh, uh, yeah, I guess I a-Eep!"

The smaller had directed you right over to the table, sitting you down and grabbing you a coaster and a glass, running about gathering more bread and cheese. Russ wandered over to the fridge when Grey had gotten stuck into cooking, pulling out a few choices of drinks, lazily offering. You decided to go with milk.

"nice choice. good for growing bones."

"I think all of my bones have finished growing by now." You joked, his crooked grin letting you know you hadn't offended.

He opened his mouth to speak, when Grey spoke up over him. "DON'T YOU DARE MAKE A BONER JOKE."

"i wasn't going to." He said, but mouthed 'i was totally gonna' with a wink. "come on, bro, you know my humour is classier than that."

"NO, IT REALLY ISN'T." There was a hint of amusement to his voice, so you assumed that this was just banter. Russ poured a glass of milk for you, and Grey came over to deposit the tastiest looking grilled cheese you'd probably ever seen right onto your plate. "BON APPETIT."

" _bone_ appetite." Russ echoed, Grey slowly looking up to glare at him.

"NO." The smaller deadpanned.

You found yourself giggling at the exchange which, going by the smiles now on their faces, was a good thing.

You all looked over towards to door when you heard talking.

"sup razz, helping the human, i see."

"SHE LEFT ME TO DO IT ALL, WHAT AN UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BI-AH.."

"yeah, try not t' scare her off, will ya? she's a nice girl, and i want her to feel comfortable here. i'm sure she just got pulled away by one of the others. see? she's in the kitchen." Sans' calm cool voice drifted closer, the box you had left next to the door giving a rattle, before the door itself opened. Sans sent you a smile, as Razz looked annoyed behind him, another of your boxes in his arms.

"Oh, sorry Razz. Grey and Russ distracted me with good food." You giggled, swearing that Grey stood a little taller, while Razz's sockets closed a little more. The smaller red eyed skeleton huffed, muttering about waiting until you tasted _his_ culinary excellence, stomping away to deliver another box to your room. Sans just laughed.

"once y' done with food, maybe give him a hand."

You nodded, and he smiled, pushing himself off the door frame where he'd leaned himself on, and wandering off with a cheery whistle.

"YOU CAN RETURN TO YOUR MEAL AT A LATER TIME, IF YOU WISH. MONSTER FOOD WILL STAY WARM."

Wait, Monster food?

You'd said that out loud.

"yep. only difference really is that it stays hot or cold, unless you forcibly cool or heat it in a fridge or oven, and that it doesn't go off." Russ explained. You were just in awe.

"So if I were to leave this here for hours, it would still be nice and hot and melty?"

"YES. BUT IT MIGHT ALSO GET EATEN BY SOMEONE ELSE, SO BE CAREFUL. WE HAVE A CUPBOARD TO KEEP FOOD WHICH ISN'T THE FRIDGE. I'LL PUT IT IN THERE FOR YOU AND YOU CAN HAVE THE REST LATER."

You had a few more big bites, before letting him. With a grateful thanks to them both, and a see you in a bit, you headed back out to the hall, picking up the box and heading on up.

Razz was coming out of your room as you walked over. "hey, sorry about that. I didn't mean to leave you with the unpacking, Razz."

"HMPH, I SUPPOSE IT IS ALRIGHT." He seemed a little less fiery. "BUT YOU CAN DO THE LAST BOX AFTER THAT ONE."

"Wait, you unpacked everything else? I hadn't unlocked the boo-"

"YOU LEFT YOUR KEYS IN THE IGNITION. DON'T DO THAT. SOMEONE MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAR."

Oof, yeah. That was a little dumb. "Guess I was distracted."

"YOUR ENEMIES WILL LOOK FOR ANY FOOTHOLDS THEY CAN. YOU HAVE TO REMAIN VIGILANT, HUMAN." He snapped, waving a bony finger at you. Wow, okay. That was a bit harsh.

"My.. Enemies?"

"OH MY GOD, ANYONE WHO WOULD WANT TO HARM OR TAKE FROM YOU. JESUS, YOU HUMANS HAVE NEXT TO NO SENSE OF FUCKING SELF PRESERVATION. DON'T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN YOUR FUCKING CAR IS GONE!" With that, he held his head up high and stormed off to what you assumed was his own room. Okay, that was.. A little over the top?

At least you assumed it to be coming from a good place, just.. Guy must be fun at parties.

"m'lord is righ'."

"AHH!" You screamed, turning heel to face Mutt again. He only seemed amused at your reaction. Blue and Papyrus stormed out of their rooms, coming over as you pressed the heel of your palm into your chest.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

"WHY DID YOU SCREAM?"

"MUTT, DON'T SCARE HER!"

Mutt snorted, laughing with a raspy hacking cough. "ohh, lordy."

"MUTT, YOU SHOULD APOLOGISE." Blue stood up tall, hands on hips, glaring up at the wolfish skeleton.

"fuck off, shortstack. i don' have t' apologise t' her f'r anythin'."

"IT WOULD BE POLITE?" Papyrus offered, getting a derisive snort in return. You couldn't take seeing the two sweetpeas being treated like that.

"Don't worry about it, guys. He can feel good about himself all he wants." Your first impressions of Mutt betrayed what an absolute twat he really was. He laughed more, wandering off to his own room.

"THEY NEED TO BE NICER. A MONSTER IS MADE OF COMPASSION AND KINDNESS. THEY MUST BE ROTTEN." Blue huffed, before gently hugging you. "I'LL APOLOGISE ON HIS BEHALF."

"It's okay, Blue. I know to avoid him now.. Say, wanna walk with me to my car to grab my last box of stu-Blue!" He'd darted off, eager to help. Papyrus walked with you, and you found Blue at your car, looking into the window of it.

"IT'S LOCKED."

"Razz probably locked it u- Oh.. Oh, that little shit!"

"WHAT'S WRONG?" Paps rubbed his gloved hands together, worried by your outburst.

Your keys were sitting on the passenger seat. Of your _locked_ car.

You tried all of the doors and the boot. All of them shut up tight. Ugggh! Just how you wanted to spend what little paycheck you had left after rent.

"WAIT, I'LL GO SEE IF STRETCH IS AROUND." Blue called as he ran back in, Papyrus similarly heading off to go find Sans.

This was just great. Both Razz and Mutt were assholes. You slid down the side of your car to the ground. Now you were worried about your things. Had Razz done anything to them? Ugh..

"HUMAN."

Great, just great. "Hello Edge."

He huffed, probably hoping to have been able to introduce himself as the 'terrible and powerful'. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING SITTING IN THE DIRT LIKE AN UNCULTURED ANIMAL?"

Sigh. "Razz locked my keys in my car.."

To be honest, you were expecting him to just laugh at you, say you deserved it or something equally as nasty. You were not expecting him to growl. "WHAT A PATHETIC LITTLE PEACOCK. OH, I'LL LOCK THE CAR SO THE HUMAN CAN'T GET IN." He said in a mocking tone. "WHAT A DICK MOVE. MOVE ASIDE, HUMAN. I WILL UNLOCK YOUR CAR FOR YOU."

"Oh! Really? Thank you edge I was- Ah, no, wait!" He had a sharp looking bone in his hand, ready to strike the actual lock mechanism, before it flew backwards into the air behind you both.

"WHAT THE FU-RED! DON'T FUCKING DO THAT!"

Red looked like he was about to have a small conniption, sweating bullets. "y' can't open a car like tha', y' gonna fuckin' _break_ it!"

"I KNOW HOW TO UNLOCK A CAR, ARSEHOLE!" Edge snapped, and all you could do was look between them in a dazed sort of state.

Red blipped over, looking in to see the keys on the chair. He looked at you, then at the keys, before snorting.

"I didn't do it! Razz did!"

That wiped the smirk off his face, turning it into a frown. "th' fuck is his problem? hold up a sec, i c'n fix this."

You were about to say not to break anything, when you were stopped in your tracks. Your keys were floating inside the car, heading over to the steering column, as he inserted them into the ignition and turned the car on enough to get the power windows working. Once he'd done that, they floated out through the crack, to be dangled before you. You picked them out of the air, looking them over and then looking at Red with a huge smile on your face. "Thank you Red. That was really kind of you."

"pfft, wha'ever. don't ge' used t' it." He shoved his hands in his jacket, looking down and away. You looked to your keys again, your own smirk growing, before you stepped closer, leaning down and placing a kiss to the top of his head. Ew, it was damp.

He seemed to freeze, his body going rigid, and a red colour bloomed up his cheeks. He vanished from the spot, and it made you feel a little bad.

"HOW COME HE GETS A KISS?"

You looked up at spikey mcyellsalot. "Would you like one to-"

"OF COURSE NOT! WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR GROSS HUMAN LIPS ON MY BONES." With that he stormed off. These boys were all kinds of confusing.

Hey, at least you had your keys back. You took the last box out, locked everything up yourself, and were on your way in when Sans, Papyrus, Blue and Stretch appeared. Sans and Stretch seemed a tad pissed off with Razz, and moreso when you told them everything their brothers hadn't.

"don't worry kiddo, i'll have words with them both." Sans assured you, but you didn't want to be the cause of shit between them all. Again he reassured you everything would be fine, and you let it go. Papyrus and Blue helped you with the box, heading back up to your room, leaving Sans and Stretch outside where they looked to be chatting.

Thankfully everything was accounted for, and as far as you could see, nothing had been messed with. Paps and Blue stayed to keep you company while you finally started to unpack. They asked questions about interesting things you owned, and just in general were pleasant to sit and chill with.

You looked at one of the boxes you'd brought, trying to discreetly shove it under the bed for later, hoping neither of them would notice and-

"WHAT'S IN THAT BOX?"

... Damnit. You felt colour hit your cheeks, trying to brush it off. "Human stuff, uh.. Private stuff."

They looked at each other and you, before Blue seemed to gently flush his name sake, mouthing an over the top 'OH'. Papyrus, oh sweet Papyrus, he didn't seem to catch on as quickly, but thankfully didn't press on. He shrugged, and you all went back to just chatting. Chatting as you folded up your clothes again and put them away in the closet. It had built in drawers, so that was a plus. They even took things into your bathroom for you to save walking. Hell, you would stay here just for these two sweetie pies, and maybe for Sans and Stretch, and Russ and Grey. They seemed sweet too. As gross as Red was, and as harsh as Edge tried to be, at least today you saw that they weren't as bad as they seemed.. The last pair, however. Yeah, not gonna lie, you _really_ didn't like Razz and Mutt. Apparently they didn't really mingle, according to Blue and Pap, so at least there was that.

At some point, Grey brought up your grilled cheese, wanting you to eat to keep your strength up. Aw, add him into the sweetie pile. You chowed it down, asking him what the deal with cooking and grocery was. Was there a roster, or was it just whims.

"WE DO HAVE A VERY BAREBONES SORT OF ROSTER. SHUSH, THAT WAS A PUN, I KNOW." He sighed with a smile as Blue went to point it out. "MOST OF THE TIME COOKING FALLS TO EITHER MYSELF OR THESE TWO. SAME WITH GROCERY SHOPPING."

"Well I can help with both. I'm not a master chef, but I'm not too bad of a cook, I guess. I can also do shopping, if there's a list."

"THAT WOULD BE A BIG HELP." Grey nodded. "I TRY AND STOCK TAKE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK. I WILL GIVE YOU A CARD TO USE TO BUY THE FOOD."

"Oof, yeah, I was gonna say. I don't make that much." You giggled, rubbing the back of your neck.

"WE DO A POOL FOR THINGS LIKE FOOD AND MAINTENANCE. YOU'RE FREE TO CONTRIBUTE WHEN YOU CAN, BUT NO PRESSURE. WE SHOULD BE FINE FOR A FAIR WHILE." Grey smiled, showing off sharp teeth. They were similar to Razz's, but his smile was softer, more genuine. Happier. It was a harsh contrast. He seemed a little 'edgy', but not arsehole edgy, if that made sense. He took your plate back when you were done, and took his leave.

You ended up spending the rest of the daylight hours unpacking, before the call for dinner went out. You had worked off the grilled cheese by then, and all three of you had worked up an appetite.

The house had a large dining hall, with a long wooden table. There was plenty of room for everyone, plus some. Heading in, you sort of took a seat down one end, only to be called up closer.

Everyone seemed at some level of uneasy. The only ones not at the table were Grey and Edge. Even Sans was glancing to the doors with slight trepidation in his gaze. You crossed your hands over each other, looking around. "So, uh.. What's for dinner?"

"are you adverse to vinegar?"

You looked over at Stretch, unsure of what to say. Before you could say anything, Edge came walking in, brandishing a big metal oven tray. Grey walked in behind him, looking annoyed and uneasy.

"DINNER IS SERVED."

Edge put it down, revealing a really tasty looking lasagna. Your mouth almost started watering at the sight. You were so focused on it, that you didn't notice the passed looks and sucked in breaths.

"Edge, it looks great."

"don't speak too soon.." Sans murmured, and you turned to look, as Edge cut a sizable piece and put it onto your plate. Oh! You looked down, marveling at just how good it looked.

That's when the smell hit you.

It smelled like, well, vinegar. Vinegar, parmesan and garlic. Oh..

You were suddenly not that hungry.

"Uhhh.." You picked up your fork, the others all looking at you with a mix of nervous smiles and curiosity. Were you really going to..

Don't be rude, it looked like Edge worked hard on it.

You cut off a corner bit, trying not to breathe in through your nose, but even mouthbreathing you could _taste_ it in the air. Here goes nothing..

You took the bite, and oh lord that's a lot of vinegar. You could almost feel the inner lining of your head coming away from everything to pucker. It was almost setting your gag reflex off! Still, you powered through it, chewing and swallowing. Geez, the looks of absolute awe the others were giving you. Even Razz and Mutt were impressed.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY CULINARY APTITUDE?" Edge near demanded an answer of you, and you actually found yourself cutting off and eating another bite, the second not as bad as the first. Maybe it was all of your olfactory giving up the ghost, but.. It was somehow bearable. Slightly more palatable.

"It's pretty good Edge. Thank you for making my homecoming dinner." You smiled up at him, Red actually spluttering.

"OF COURSE IT IS. MY MEALS ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO ANY THESE INGRATES COULD EVEN DREAM OF PREPARING."

"easy, edgy boy. don't burrow too far up your own ass, we may lose ya." Stretch chuckled, earning a glare.

You used the excuse that you were full from before as to why you didn't eat all of the massive chunk you'd been served, Edge saying he would put it in the cupboard for later. Sans texting you to say he'd pitch it later. Still, you'd made a decent dent, and that had them all amazed.

It wasn't until a little while later that your body started to throw a fit about the high levels of vinegar and garlic you had ingested. Let's just say, thank gods you had your own bathroom.

It was about 9pm by the time you scurried out of your cave, being met with chocolate milk and cookies for supper, care of a sweet little blueberry. He had just come up to hand deliver them, so that you wouldn't miss out.

"I HOPE THAT, DESPITE DINNER.. AND DESPITE MUTT AND RAZZ, THAT YOUR FIRST DAY HERE WAS A GOOD ONE." He beamed up at you, and how could you resist giving that sweet little forehead a little smooch. It had him giggling.

"Despite all that, I've had a wonderful day. Thank you for helping to make it that way."

He beamed even more, somehow. "YOU'RE MOST WELCOME. NOW, GO GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP SO THAT YOU'RE RESTED FOR THE NEW DAY. GOODNIGHT!"

"Goodnight, Blue. Sleep tight." You closed the door only after he had skipped off, putting your dessert down while you got dressed into pajamas settling into bed with it and leaving the empty plate and glass on your bedside. It had been an interesting day, and you had to wonder what living here was going to be like.

It would be a ride, that was for certain.


	3. Getting to know you

Was waking to a hot breakfast on your desk going to be the norm? Whoever had brought it in had even added a little cup with a fresh cut flower in water. Aww, you felt yourself smile at the special treatment.. But at the same time, you would rather eat with your new housemates. You could hear them all chatting away downstairs, so that's just what you decided to do, picking up the tray and heading down. They were surprised to see you turn up with your breakfast, that was for sure.

"DID YOU NOT WANT BREAKFAST IN BED? I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE, SINCE IT IS YOUR FIRST MORNING HERE." Blue looked at you with almost puppy eyes and a little pout. You sat down, putting your tray down in front of you on the table. Sans poked the little golden flower, chuckling to himself, Papyrus whacking his arm gently with an unamused frown.

"I wanted to have breakfast with everyone. Don't get me wrong, thank you for trying to make me feel welcome and comfortable."

"I SUPPOSE THAT IS FINE THEN." Blue hummed, back to his usually beaming self after.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER, DON'T YOU." Razz barked at Blue, getting Stretch's hackles up easily.

Grey clicked his fingers, glaring at the smallest skeleton. "RAZZ, DROP IT."

"OH, FUCK OFF CARBON COPY."

"enough." Sans' oddly calm voice cut through the rising tension, even leaving you a little wary.

The group seemed to ease back into eating, but you could see Razz glaring at the others in your peripheral. Maybe eating in your room may have been a better choice after all..

Bit of an odd insult, you mused.

***

Apart from that odd start to the day, everyone had been more or less civil. Well, out of the ones that hung around. Razz and Mutt both left for their respective jobs not long after breakfast, as had Edge, Blue and Grey. The others were either working later or not at all today. You yourself were getting ready to head off to your own job in town. It wasn't prolific, but it paid the rent, and with how low it was now, and then some. You were looking forward to being able to save some money up. Your car needed some TLC soon, and you had your eye on a new phone and computer. The ones you had now were beginning to give up the ghost.

Dressed in your store polo and Kmart slacks, you stopped at the foyer to slip your shoes on.

"off to work, huh?"

Looking up, you spotted Russ hanging in the doorway. In his hand a pack of smokes and a lighter. Probably heading outside to smoke.

"Yep. Gotta make that sweet, sweet moolah somehow." You chuckled. His slightly pointy smile picking up.

"true. i prefer the fun way."

You were curious, but weren't sure you wanted to know? Too late, you asked him what he meant.

"you know. pokies, horses. used to bet on the dogs but now that's all been made illegal." His smirk gave you wink energy. Hard to tell with that patch.

"I've never put more than a fiver into a poker machine." You admitted sheepishly, which earned a bark of amused coughing.

"aw, honey~ it's not fun until you're feedin' in reds. naah, i kid. i'm proud. such a responsible little thing."

"More I just didn't have more than a fiver to put in." You added, a little colour hitting your cheeks. "Or I'd put a dollar in and play cent games until I made it back and hopefully doubled it."

He was giggling now. "i should take you out some time, put a few bets down, pay for a nice dinner with winnings."

"If you say so, Russ." You finished, with a smile. "I'll see you all later. I gotta go before I'm late."

He playfully shooed you off, sitting out on the front porch and lighting up. You hopped into your car to head into town, having to carefully drive around one of the other's cars parked outside the house. The fancy red convertible was so cool.

***

Done. You felt drained, but that paycheck at the end of the week was already so close. You pulled into the road in front of the house again, noting that the red convertible was gone now. Papyrus must be out. Oh, no, wait, it was sitting down the side of the house with the roof up. You were actually kinda glad. You liked Paps being there.

Heading in and closing the door behind you, you let out a breath, feeling your legs want to secede from the rest of your body.

"WELCOME BACK!" A cheery voice called out, Blue sticking his head out of the loungeroom doorway. Papyrus stuck his head out above him, Blue jumping a little when he looked up. Aw, goobers.

"Glad to be back. What are you two up to?" Kicking off your shoes, you nudged them into the shoe rack, heading over to them in just your socks.

They both stepped back, heading in before you to. Oh.

They had managed to turn the lounge into a sort of maze. The couches were all moved around, some sections covered in blankets to obscure view. They must have been working hard on it.. Was that snoring?

"SANS IS IN THERE SOMEWHERE.. WE CAN'T PINPOINT HIS EXACT LOCATION."

You covered your mouth, choking on a giggle. "Oh dear.."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKE OUR INCREDIBLE MAZE FOR A SPIN?" Blue asked, Papyrus crouching down near the entrance, looking in.

"I'm kind of.. You know what? Yes, I'll give it a go."

"YAY!" You got a big hug from the energetic little ball of bones, Paps showing you how to get in. They gave you a rundown of what to expect - a maze - and how to call out for assistance - holding a hand up above the blankets and yelling 'uncle' - before you were given the go ahead to head in.

It seemed pretty tame, for a maze of couches, and you thought it would be pretty simple to keep track of where you were, but you forget that these are monsters, with magic. It was borderline trickster stuff, as you realised that you had absolutely no idea whereabouts in the room you were.

"Uh.. Papy? Blue?"

You felt a little chill at how far away their voices seemed, calling out to you with encouragement. Oh dear.

You crawled on for what felt like minutes, having to choose forks in the maze, feeling like you were going around in circles, until you stumbled on a lump in your path.

"heh, heey kiddo."

"Oh, there you are, Sans. I'm so fucking lost."

"why do y' think i took a nap? no use panicking, it'll only make things harder."

He was right. You took a deep breath, before trying to gauge your bearings. Sans sat up, looking at you with that easy, kinda dopey smile of his.

"you wanna call uncle?"

You considered it, but something in you was pushing you to go forth. "Mmm, no, not yet."

"brave~" He chuckled, before vanishing. Oh, the absolute cheek.

"THERE YOU ARE SANS, WE COULDN'T FIND YOU." Again they sounded too far away to make sense.

"yeah, the human found me. don' leave her in there all evening."

Oh harr harr, yeah, have a little giggle mate. You steeled yourself, before moving on. And on..

And on..

And on..

You were starting to feel hungry. Dangit.

No, you had a muesli bar just a half hour before, you would live.

This was starting to get ridiculous. How was there so much maze?! You let out a whine of frustration, considering having a little peek. But was that cheating?

Bugger it.

You ever so carefully lifted your head up through a space between the sheets, only to shoot up in borderline horror.

"HUMAN, THAT'S CHEATING!" Blue pouted. No joke, you were only about 5 meters into the bloody maze. HOW!?

"NYEH HEH HEH, YOU SEEMED BAMBOOZLED, MY DEAR HUMAN~" Papyrus did his best impression of an evil villain, steeping his fingers, grinning with his brows pulled down in the middle. Oh lord, this sweet bean. He couldn't be evil if he tried.

"How the hell? Okay, you two have fae blood, I swear."

They simply looked at each other, now grinning as brightly as possible, and then they started to laugh.

Okay, as weird as that was, you had to admit you'd had fun. "Is it okay if I call uncle now?"

"AWWW, BUT YOU DIDN'T FIND THE PRIZE!"

"There's a prize?" You cocked your head, before Blue jumped in. Within seconds he was behind you.

"I, THE MAGNIFICENT AND FAIR BLUE, WILL DIRECT YOU TO IT, SINCE YOU GAVE IT SUCH A VALIANT EFFORT."

So you were crawling along, Blue yelling out directions. You came to another fork, waiting for him to tell you which way to go, but he seemed unusually quiet. "Blue?"

"O-OH! TURN LEFT! MWEH HEH.." He sounded a tad flustered. You did as he said, and after a few more turns and twists, you found yourself in a little cavern, the walls made from the backs of recliners, and the sheet overhead covered in stars. They'd even put up some fairly lights. Aww. In the middle was a plate, containing a mix of Spaghetti and Tacos.

"TADA! WELCOME TO THE MIDDLE OF THE MAZE!"

"Wow, this is so cool!" You were genuinely impressed, shuffling over to sit in front of the plate. They looked a tad cold, but hey, you were hungry by now. "May I try some?"

"OF COURSE! IT IS YOUR PRIZE AFTER ALL." Blue sat down next to you, a soft blue across his cheeks. Did the guy tire himself out or something?

"Would you like to join me? Papyrus too, if he'd like?" You called the last part out, hearing a distant but happy 'NYEH!'

Blue happily grabbed a taco, bemoaning the fact that it was covered in spaghetti, when Paps popped through the 'doorway' into the little cavern. You smiled, passing him a fork, and he took it with such a sweet smile.

You hummed, deciding to try the spaghetti first. Papyrus watched you with a childlike expectancy as you curled the strands around your fork, lifting them up, and popping them into your mouth.

The taste was..

 _Indescribable_.

"HOW DO YOU LIKE THE GREAT PAPYRUS ARTISAN SPAGHETTI?"

You had to take a moment to concentrate on chewing, before forcing yourself to swallow. "It's.."

"AH, STILL NOT QUITE PALATABLE FOR HUMANS?" He didn't seem upset or disappointed, more eager to hear genuine feedback, so you gave it.

"The sauce is a bit too tart. If you've used citrus or vinigar, maybe cut that back. The actual noodles themselves are nicely al dente, but most people prefer softer in a bolognese."

He pulled his phone out, tapping away. You felt relief that you didn't have to break the poor guy's heart.

"I WILL TAKE HEED OF THIS INFORMATION, AND MY NEXT CREATION WILL BE THE BEST YET!"

"I can't wait to try it." You said, and you meant it. Papyrus could probably tell by your expression, because he puffed himself up. You had another spoonful, just to see if it would be better on the second bite, now that your olfactory had a chance to take it in. Nope.

"WHAT IN THE.. OH MY LORD, WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE TO THE LOUNGEROOM?" You had to giggle at the sheer levels of 'done' in Grey's voice. Blue and Papyrus starting to giggle too. "I LEAVE FOR WORK AND THEN EVERYTHING GOES TO SH-CRAP."

Aww, you had been waiting to pull the 'swear jar' on somebody else.

"We're just having a pre-dinner snack, Grey."

"OH, THAT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.. RAZZ WANTS TO COOK TONIGHT."

Both of the skeletons next to you audibly shuddered. Oh. That bad, huh?

"Do you want to join us?" You asked, and there was a soft sigh, before the far off sound of shuffling. Blue having to call out directions, but finally Grey stuck his head into the cavern. He too seemed impressed, giving a little nod at the atmosphere.

"I LIKE THIS PART MOST."

"Yeah, it's really nice in here."

Grey sat across from you, giving you a sharp toothed smile, before he looked down at the plate, and it fell just a little. Blue turned the plate so he could grab a taco, and he did, looking up at Papyrus. "NO OFFENCE."

"NONE TAKEN."

You picked up a taco for yourself, noting that it seemed to almost sparkle in the dimmed lighting. Blue was quick to assure you that it was food grade glitter, human food grade, and the relief you felt was palpable. Taking a bite, you actually gave a small sound of approval. It seemed to leave a small flush of colour on all of their faces. You were too into your snacc to notice. "These are good, Blue."

"M-MWEH HEH, THANK YOU."

After snacks, you helped the two fell their marvelous creation, much to your disappointment. You suggested that they make just the end fort again sometime, and they beamed at the idea. Soon you all had the lounge looking like it had when you first came in. By the time you had finished with that, the call for dinner had begun. You had filled up on that taco, so hopefully you could play the 'small human stomach' card again if it turned out to be inedible.

Going from the burnt, overly spiced smells drifting from the kitchen, you were so glad you had..

The household gathered around the dinner table, again most looking nervous. Even Edge was glancing back at the kitchen, brow furrowed.

It didn't help to make you feel any better about it.

You were startled as a large serving dish was dropped into the center of the table, Razz pulling the top off with a smug grin. "DINNER IS SERVED."

The waft of steam almost made your eyes water. On the large platter were lots of burritos, all wrapped perfectly. The smell was something else. It wasn't a bad smell, per se, but it was hella strong, like someone had emptied a packet of taco seasoning directly into your nostrils. Looordy.

"wow, y' really ou'done yaself.." Red said, sarcastic tone with a worried expression, looking around at the others. No it wasn't just your human nose that was being assaulted. Some of the others were tearing up too. The only ones who didn't look effected were Razz, and Mutt, who looked to be salivating. Must be used to it, you thought.

"WELL? EAT!" Razz snapped. Mutt grabbed a few, digging in like a man starved, while the others gingerly took their own servings. You were about to get up and get some, when Razz grabbed your plate, smirking at you as he placed 2 of the things onto it, and placed it back down. "ENJOY, HUMAN."

So, like, they _looked_ good. That was for sure. You stole a glance around, before picking one up. Taking a breath, albeit a shallow one as your throat burned, you took a bite.

Oh, _gods_! Edge's vinigarsangna had nothing on this! The meet was dry, the sauce setting your tongue aflame, and something gave a decidedly non-food crunch as you chewed. Nope. You just couldn't feign politeness this time, and you made a mad dash for the bathroom.

You heard Razz shrieking after you, but you didn't care. You spat the mouthful into the sink. You couldn't see for tears and coughing, managing to turn the taps on and put your mouth under the faucet. There was a knock on the door, worried voices calling out, but your focus was on ridding yourself of the pain. You spat into the sink, only to blanch at seeing blood.

The meat you had spat out had washed down the plug, but the shard of what you could only assume was fucking glass hadn't.

Sans and Red appeared at your side, Sans eyelights vanishing as he looked at the blood, and the shard. Red growled, blipping straight back out, and as Sans sat you down on the side of the bath to calm you down, you could just make out Red tearing verbal strips off of Razz for actually hurting you.

"k-kiddo, s'okay, s'just a cut in your gums. you'll be fine."

"O-owie!" You managed, taking the hand towel he offered you to clean yourself up. It was just a small scratch, your gums just inflamed from it and the spice-bomb.

The yelling seemed to subside, as did the burning. Sans helped you out, taking the shard with him to show to Razz, who looked pale when he saw it.

"the fuck, razz?! this could have seriously hurt her!" Sans was not happy, his anger much calmer than the others'. Razz looked wide eyed at the shard, before scoffing.

"IT'S ONLY A LITTLE GLASS. IT'S NOT MY FAULT HER PATHETIC HUMAN CONSTITUTION CAN'T HANDLE IT."

"you could have _killed_ her."

That seemed to knock Razz about a bit, like he was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact. You swallowed, trying to ignore the residual pain. "Sans is right. If I'd swallowed that, it could have ripped apart my insides."

Most of the others looked pale, Papyrus whimpering, before Edge stormed over, pushing a finger into Razz' chest. "YOU WILL NEVER COOK FOR THE HUMAN AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?"

Mutt started to growl, approaching, before Razz put a hand up to stop him in his tracks.

"I.. I UNDERSTAND." Razz' voice had dropped, his gaze downwards. That seemed to surprise a lot of them. Even Edge seemed to lose some of the wind in his sails.

The small skeleton couldn't look at anyone, stepping back from Edge, before heading off, presumably to his room. Mutt watched him go with a dumbfounded expression, before he looked around at everyone, and then ran after him. Noone said a word, until Papyrus broke the silence.

"I'M SURE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. HE SURELY DIDN'T PUT IT IN THERE ON PURPOSE."

"i think papy's right. he's a little prick, but he's not that much of an arsehole.." Stretch added, the others wanting to believe that. You felt bad for Razz. What if it was just an accident..

"Let's just.. Drop this. If he wants to talk about it, then fine. I'm just.. Not going to eat anymore of his cooking."

"yeah, kiddo is right. he sounded sorry.. for him, that's big." Sans sighed, giving your arm a reassuring pat.

Once they were able, Blue, Papyrus, Grey and Russ gave you hugs. You just wanted to go lay down, and they let you.

On the way to your room, you walked past Razz'.. You don't know what convinced you, but you walked over to knock. A few seconds passed, before the door opened. Razz looking up at you. Mutt was sat on his bed, glaring at you from behind his brother. "HUMAN-"

"I forgive you."

He floundered a little, his mouth opening and closing. Mutt looked quite surprised.

"I.. WELL.. I DIDN'T MEAN TO PUT GLASS INTO THE FOOD, I ASSURE YOU. IT WAS A BOTTLE OF SPICE THAT BROKE IN MY ENTHUSIASTIC COOKING. I DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING OF IT AT THE TIME AND-"

You found yourself crouching to his level, a low growl coming from behind him, before you gave him a hug. He locked up, arms above you, completely unsure of what to do. Slowly, very slowly, he let them down over your shoulders, giving you an awkward kind of pat.

"It was an accident."

"YES.. AN ACCIDENT."

With that, you let go, standing back up again. He was looking at you with an unreadable expression, but you just smiled at them both. "Good night, guys."

"GOOD.. NIGHT."

"uh.. nigh'."

With a nod, you walked off to your own room, feeling a lot better. Papyrus was right..

***

Finally you were in bed, rugged up with your blankets and with a book in your hands. A cup of hot chocolate steaming on your bedside, courtesy of Grey, and a couple of monster candies courtesy of Papyrus. You were just getting into the chapter when someone knocked on your door. You looked up, playing a little guessing game in your head before you called out. "Come in."

It was Sans. You actually guessed right, feeling a little proud of yourself. "Hey."

"heeey, kiddo. heh, yeah, uh.. got'a minute to chat?"

You put your book aside, nodding, and he grabbed your desk chair, sitting down backwards like he was some 80's sitcom dad about to impart moral lessons on a bunch of scrunchie wearing preteens. The thought made the corner of your mouth twitch up involuntarily.

He however looked.. Nervous. You cocked your head, shuffling forward a bit in your blankets. "Everything okay, Snas?"

That helped ease him a little, a chuckle leaving him as he rolled his shoulders, shooting you a smirk.

"yeah, yeah, jus'.. couple of things i wanted to, uh, make y' aware of?"

Consider your interest piqued. You don't recall there being any 'rules' or 'notes' when you signed everything. "What's up?"

"so, how much do y' know about monsters?" He asked, his slippered feet swinging slightly, his smile a little stretched at the sides.

You.. Knew a little bit? You'd read about souls and that sort of stuff. You told him so, and he rubbed the back of his head, a faint blue appearing on his face.

"well, kiiinda go' somethin' t' do with it.. uh, i meant more.. y'know.." He awkwardly moved his hands around, before slumping, clearly uncomfortable now, before he seemed to perk slightly. ".. boning."

You sort of blinked a few times, before both the pun and the insinuation actually hit you. "Oh, you mean sex."

"shhh.. uh, yeah. that."

"I.. No, not really. I know that it has _something_  to do with souls but.. I haven't really looked into it, admittedly." You sort of brought your legs up a bit, leaning against them. This was only slightly awkward..

"aw geez. i guess that means i'm gonna have to give ya the snowdrakes an the whimsums."

"Sooo, the birds and the bees?" You said, a tad incredulously. Really? Sans was about to have 'the talk' with you?

"in a nutsack.." He hummed, very much focused on one of the legs of your bed.

Snort. "Uh, don't you mean nutshell?"

"huh? what did i say?"

"Nevermind." You tried to keep a straight face, before exhaling, looking over again. "So, what do I need to know?"

"so, ever heard of heats?" He blurted out a little too enthusiastically in his nervousness.

Again with the clueless blinking. "... Like a cat?"

"heh heh heh, uh, kinda?"

You sat there, feeling more awkward by the moment. Thankfully he spoke up again. "so, uh.. just wanted to let you know, um.. some of us tend to act a little.. different? during that time? nothing suss! i mean, if anyone else is suss you lemme know right away." He was blurting out many words now, and truth be told his fluster was amusing you a little.

"So what you're essentially saying is that at one point or another, I'm going to be surrounded by horny skeletons?" You tried so hard to keep a straight face, but you just couldn't. At least it broke the ice a little more, Sans snorting, before he sighed, and nodded.

"yeah, unfortunately. uh, i didn't want to scare you away, and i was hoping, since you've already met nearly everyone that you might not run for the hills?"

"I have to admit, that's kind of a shitty thing to do to a woman who's going to be living here.." You humour fell, a small wave of discomfort passing over you, and he looked apologetic.

"yeah.. i'm sorry, that was a shitty way to go about things."

"But I have met everyone.. As long as you can assure me that I'll be safe-"

"of course, of course." He nodded, a serious look on his face.

"Okay.." You sighed, before you had to chuckle a little. "Oh lordy, noone's going to try humping my leg, are they?"

He cracked, laughing, trying to reign it in. "oh gods, i hope the fuck not. nah, nah, we're not that bad, jesus.. well, most of us."

"I'll invest in a spray bottle." You giggled, as Sans stood up again.

"bu' seriously, you'll be safe. if i had any shred of a thought otherwise i wouldn't have brought y' in."

"Thanks Snas. Thanks for telling me." You had to. He playfully rolled his eyes, before heading back over to the door.

"so, uh, nighty night kiddo. lemme know if you have any questions, but, uh. tomorrow."

"Will do. Nighty night, Sans."

He gave a sort of nod, before he let himself out, closing the door. You grabbed a pillow, breathing into it, your face red. Oh gods.. That was so freaking awkward! You couldn't help but think of these skeletons in a whole new light. No, not Papy and Blue! You couldn't picture them all.. GAH!

You took a moment to breathe. No, this shouldn't change things. Humans got randy too, and in a way there were times where libido was higher through hormonal changes.. Yeah, this was just like that. Nothing to think too much on. You laid back, still hugging your pillow. Damn you and you inability to handle awkward things and second hand embarrassment.

At least you were tired enough to drift off quickly. Your unconscious mind not ruminating on the 'nearly everyone'..

**Author's Note:**

> Another thing? Darn tootin'. This should be fun.
> 
> If you guys have any good trope suggestions, lemme hear. I have some planned, but there's always room for more. :3c
> 
> [Discord Server (18+)](https://discord.gg/wZEaQtm) | [Tumblr](https://wannabuyahotcat.tumblr.com/)


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